NY Graham Norton transcript

Graham runs on in traditionally flamboyant outfit. He does his little intro (including a few bad jokes about Martha Stewart and Nancy Dell'Olio) and then introduces Elijah

Graham: (throws on white wig, beard and holds a staff. Suitably tinny music plays in the background. He throws back a lock of his hair) Because I'm worth it. [imitating L'Oreal adverts] I am Gandalf. Behold my mighty staff. (to audience) Wait for this one. I've had it a long time. Cause as you know, you just can't get staffs these days. (to audience) Write it down, take it home, laugh and love it. All the future unfolds- I see a Fellowship, a Fellowship of great men, coming together. Soon will come the man known as John of Malkovich. (audience claps) Oooh. But first, but first, our great hobbit, who delivered the world from evil, known to you as Frodo. Yes, he's the star of Lord of the Rings, he's back with Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind, ladies and gentlemen please welcome ELIJAH WOOD is here!

Elijah, his arms held by women in black dresses, enters. He's wearing THE jacket, a shirt and jeans. He comes down the steps and hugs Graham Norton.

Graham: Elijah Wood, everyone!

Elijah: Thank you.

Graham: Sit yourself down.

Elijah does so, Graham opposite him.

Elijah: Wow, what an entrance!

Graham: We're so pleased- the man of the moment!- we're so pleased.

Elijah: (dismissing the idea) The man, the man

Graham: You are, you are.

Elijah laughs.

Graham: I mean, I mean, the Oscars was so- what was it, two weeks ago?

Elijah: Two weeks ago. Yeah.

Graham: Two weeks ago that must have been the best- I mean, was it a good night, or was it one of those weird nights?

Elijah: No, it was absolutely amazing, completely surreal, but I think at the same time we felt like we were kinda the enemy, you know we were taking everything away from everyone else, it suddenly became the Lord of the Rings show. It wasn't the Oscars anymore! (he starts to say something but Graham interrupts him)

Graham: But that's it though. If that had happened with film one, I think there would have been some resentment, you know.

Elijah: Yes, yes. Fair enough, fair enough. Now it's done, and there's no more Lord of the Rings, so, no more to fear. We're done. (audience laughs) it's OK, we're not going to take the awards next year, because we're finished.

Graham: We're done.

Elijah: Exactly.

Graham: Now, listen. You know you're kind of lucky in that you'd done a lot of work before this film, now you're doing work after it, so you're probably going to be OK, you are, you know, you are

Elijah: In that I'm not just Frodo for the rest of my life.

Graham: Stuck in it, yeah.

Elijah: Right.

Graham: You won't be doing conventions and that sort of thing, you know. (audience laughs) You get what I'm saying.

Elijah: It happens. Yes, i know.

Graham: Well, I mean it's nice to know they're there, you know-

Elijah: If things get bad-

Graham: Yeah-

Elijah: There you go. There's always something to fall back on!

Graham: Have you kept any of the costumes? (Elijah nods) Yeah, of course you have.

Elijah: I've got the feet at home.

Graham: I mean the fans for this movie, the fans, they are pretty fanatic.

Elijah: Yeah, and they call themselves 'Ringers', and they, they are quite fanatical. And I mean I've never been a part of anything that's had this kind of massive fanbase where, they write stories, they write fanfiction, there is a website, I wish you could pull it up, there's this- do you have the internet?

Graham: Yes

Elijah: I wish I had the address, I don't remember the address of this site.

Graham: What was it called?

Elijah: There's a website where they've- they've done these artistic renditions of-

Graham: I might have that

(He turns to his computer and gets up a website)

Elijah: Have you? Have you seen this? It is for homosexual, uh, images of Frodo and Sam, and uh, and Aragorn and Boromir together, (his face becomes animated) Gimli and Legolas!! There's a shot, there's this- and they look like us, so it's not paintings, it looks like us!

Graham: Here we go

Elijah: You gotta see, this is the best thing ever.

Graham: Ok, it's called Lord of the Rings, Hobbit Love

A picture of a naked Frodo sitting on an equally naked Sam's lap comes up. The audience laughs. Elijah nods, beaming for some reason. Picture after picture comes up. Elijah looks disgusted now.

Elijah: The thing that's so, uh, unbelievably creepy is that it's so- it's us! I mean, they may as well be photos. And I- I certainly never took a photo like that, you know.

Graham: It's- it's weird, b-

Elijah: I love- I love that you have that. Sorry.

Graham: It's weird because we don't do it at the office because it might offend people, but you brought it up, so I did the right thing. I did the right thing. This is odd, looking at- particularly looking at those, this is embarrassing but when they were casting, a long time ago, I was actu- I did I did audition for um., not for but for Sam.

Elijah: (strange, cute, high pitched noise)

Graham: I'm not making this shit up, I swear to God. But, you know, there was the problem with availability, schedule, there was another thing oh yes, I was shit. It was awf- even the man doing the video camera couldn't look, he was like…. (pushes hand away)

Elijah: Peter has that in his house, I'm sure. Peter has every single audition tape that every- I mean, Kylie Minogue, she auditioned.

Graham: (conspiratorial) No!

Elijah: Yep, she auditioned for Galadriel I believe. There's a Vin Diesel one-

Graham: Do you see why she didn't get the part, the audience going. (looks repulsed)

Elijah: She's also a bit short, I think, for an elf. But, they've got literally every single audition that they ever got on tape, including mine which I did on my own in the woods somewhere, so they've got this veritable goldmine, of, of auditions- everyone you could possibly imagine.

Graham: Oh, put that on a DVD. There's so-

Elijah: Wouldn't that be amazing?

Graham: Oh what am I saying, no! It's an awful idea!

Elijah: Next time I'm in New Zealand I'm gonna ask about your tape, I'm sure they have it.

Graham: Well listen, listen, the thing is well I'd love to try a little bit of just being Sam.

Elijah: Yeah!

Graham: If you'd indulge my acting thing-

Elijah: Sure!

Graham: So the thing is, the thing is, what I thought we could do is, what we're going to do is, basically to do the scene, it'd be good to have something precious.

Here follows a tedious little audience bit where an English lady's husband volunteers his wife's 'period knickers' to be the thing that is precious.

Graham: Where's Elijah, Elijah, come up here.

Elijah and Graham go onto the stage, where wigs and capes are lying in a heap on the floor.

Graham: I've got some little costumes, I've got us some costumes, don't you (picks up wig) That's your own hair, I don't know why they give you a wig, it's your hair.

Elijah: I wore a wig in the film!

Graham: Oh, did you? Oh, right.

They put the wigs on.

Graham: lovely now we've got the costumes. I don't know what they spent the budget on!

Elijah, looking beatifically like a little boy, complies and soon they are dressed as hobbits.

Elijah: (referring to cape) This is a burlap sack!

Graham: Yeah! It's good, it's like (smells sack) Mmm, nice (makes face) Ok (points at face) Why wasn't I cast as Sam? Look at that.

Elijah: Awww.

Graham: oh- tell me- do the bit where you're kind of going, I'm glad you came with me Sam.

Elijah: (puts on half hearted English accent) I'm glad you came with me, Sam. Here at the end of all things.

Graham looks like he is about to kiss Elijah and Elijah, always the natural comedian, looks at the audience.

Graham: No, that's it (looks excited) That's it, that's it. Ok, ok. Wow, you remembered your lines!

Elijah: Thank you very much, thank you.

Graham: Ok here we go, this is it ladies and gentlemen. It's the big, it's the final battle, the battle's raging, it's the big final scene, and I'm Samwise, and you're (puts on gruff voice) Mr Frodo, and we're struggling up the hill, and. cue the effects!

Fire appears behind them.

Graham: Oh my God! (says something I couldn't make out) Oh, the flames. Oh, my God. Mr Frodo I'm so tired- are you tired?

Elijah: I'm quite tired, Sam.

Graham: All right well listen, I'm right behind you Mr Frodo.

Elijah: Sam, let's cast the ring into the fire. (Graham holds up the knickers) All right, well the panties then.

Graham: It's ok, you don't have to touch it.

Elijah: All right.

Graham: Let's throw them into the fire-

Elijah: They're quite disgusting, Sam.

Graham: Yes.

Elijah: Yes.

Graham: The disgusting pants. Ok. This madness, this madness, ends (throws the pants in the fire) NOW!

Big smoke, audience claps. Elijah bows.

Thanks Mina! :)