Dirk Gently Quotes: Season 1

Relive the ramblings, quips and exchanges from the first season!

Bart: Dirk Gently, you are a dead man!
Ken: Who... who's Dirk Gently?
Bart: You're not Dirk Gently?
Ken: No.
Bart: What, are you kidding me right now? Then why did you run?
Ken: You have a machete and you killed Red!

Estevez: You didn't see anything weird this morning did you Mr. Brotzman?
Todd: Yes. No. May.. maybe. I.. I don't know.
Estevez: Are you aware you just gave every possible response to that question?

Todd: Have you ever actually solved a case?
Dirk: Sure, tons. Well, some. Well, a few.

Amanda: You don't look like a private detective.
Dirk: Well no private detective looks like a private detective. That's one of the first rules of private detection.
Amanda: But if no private detective looks like a private detective, how does a private detective know what it is that he shouldn't look like?

Dirk: The Rowdy Three!
Todd: There are four of them.
Dirk: I'm wildly aware!

Todd: I'm not your Watson, asshole!

Friedkin: Got a shot.
Riggins: What do you mean you got a shot?
Friedkin: Do I take the shot?
Riggins: Don't take the shot!
Friedkin: Confirmed, taking the shot.

Dirk: You're a terrible assist-friend.

Dirk: Break the pattern. Take control of your life, Todd. The instant you take control, interesting things will happen. I guarantee it.
Todd: You know what? No, I don't want to hear all that from you right now. Keep the Hallmark card.

Todd: Listen Dirk, you seem like a nice guy.. or not nice, but you seem like a guy, okay?

Todd: So, I'm not a suspect in anything?
Zimmerfield: You're a person of interest permanently, even though you're not necessarily an interesting person.
Todd: That feels unnecessarily rude.

Dirk: Give us the her or we'll throw the dog off the bridge!
Todd: What!?
Dirk: I'm bluffing but if he shoots her, throw the dog off the bridge.

Bart: The world will take me where I need to go. I'm like a leaf in the stream of creation. Until I find Dirk Gently, whoever or whatever that is, then I'm a piranha in the stream of creation.

Todd: How'd he get your number?
Dirk: I gave him my cards.
Todd: You gave him your card?
Dirk: No, my cards. All of them. Self defense. I do a lot of things and then later I'm like, uughhh...

Ken: Did you just dodge a bullet?
Bart: No, the bullet dodged me. I can't be hurt. Universe won't allow it. Only constants are me and gravity.

Dirk: You know what they say about bringing a knife to a gun fight.
Todd: That it's.. bad?
Dirk: Oh bloody hell, is that what that means.

Todd: You're really brave. Sort of, like crazy brave or maybe just stupid.

Gordon: Why did you attack us!?
Dirk: We didn't! How do you know who we are?
Gordon: We don't! Where's the kitten?
Todd: What kitten!?
Dirk: Who's that woman!?
Gordon: You don't know her?
Dirk: Do you?
Gordon: Why did you burn my house down?
Dirk: I burned your house down!?
Todd: Where's Lydia?
Gordon: She's not here!
*bark, bark*
Gordon: Bring me the dog.
Dirk: Why do you want it!?
Gordon: Why did you take it!?
Todd: We don't know!
Gordon: Why did you kill Patrick Spring?
Todd: We didn't!
Dirk: Did you!?
Nathan: What the hell are they talking about?
Weedle: Dogs, cats.. I don't know.
Nathan: The stupidest goddamn people alive.

Riggins: Black Wing had one mission. To seek out, codefine and collect individuals with sensory perceptive abilities beyond the normal human scale.
Freidkin: So, like fat people.

Dirk: You hate these walls!

Bart: Potato, potato.
Ken: You're suppose to say it like potato, po-tah-to.
Bart: What the hell is a po-tah-to?

Dirk: You? This doesn't look anything like you. He's got the hair all wrong.

Farah: Patrick's dead, Lydia's gone and I feel like a crazy, confused failure talking to a Brit who keeps asking me questions that don't make sense! I'm an ineffectual... in a generalized scrambled of disappointment. An incompetent...
Dirk: No, no! Listen. You're only some of those things.

Dirk: I don't know anything.. ever. It's really quite relaxing.

Todd: Look, he doesn't know anything. The amount of stuff that he doesn't know is stupefying. It would blow your mind.

Amanda: Hey Dirk!
Dirk: Oh, hi Amanda! Look, it's Amanda. Amanda's fantastic.
Amanda: You're fantastic.

Farah: I'm Farah.
Amanda: I'm Amanda. Cool jacket.

Dirk: Was there something about this wall that was special to him? Did he enjoy walls? Did he ever mention a love for walls?

[Dirk picks up a light bulb and it glows]
Farah: How did you do that?
Dirk: With my hand.

Farah: Dirk, I'm starting to think you're a pretty good detective.

Weedle: Did he mention a corgi?
Estevez: What do you know about the corgi?
Weedle: What corgi?
Estevez: The one you just asked about.
Weedle: Forget that.

Amanda: Take your cool guy jacket. You look good in it.
Todd: Why?
Amanda: Farah. I see the looks.
Todd: The looks?
Amanda: You, her. Not, her you.

Dirk: Are we gonna climb this fence, I wanna climb the fence, who's climbing the fence, me first!

Todd: You just stole stuff?
Dirk: No, found. It's like stealing but no one yells at you.

Dirk: I always end up exactly where I need to be despite the fact it's rarely where I intend to go.

Todd: Hey, wait!
Dirk: Oh, now you say wait. I thought you were all gung ho now Todd.
Todd: Well I'm gung ho, not suicidal!

Amanda: How many freaking maps is this guy doing? He's mapping way too much.

Todd: I used to play the electric guitar.
Dirk: How many times have you electrocuted yourself?
Todd: Enough.

Dirk: Oh, well done! Now our death is even more stabbier than before!

Amanda: This is the coolest thing that's ever happened to you.
Todd: Being burned alive?
Amanda: Almost burned alive. It's so punk.

Dirk: That fence was not climbed, just ambitiously fondled.

Todd: Well, I hope you're not claustrophobic.
Dirk: No, I don't even like coffee.

Todd: Do you not see? Can you not comprehend how freaking weird this is? We are now underground with a magic light bulb.

Martin: Are you sure it was a safe idea to get into a van with a bunch of crazy strangers?
Amanda: Are you sure it was a safe idea to let a crazy stranger in your van?

Bart: This drink tastes bad.
Ken: No, no, no, no! That's shampoo! Don't drink that, it's for your hair!
Bart: Then why's it got fruit on the bottle?

Dirk: Well, we have to dig somewhere. I think the ground is a great place to start.

Dirk: When I'm looking behind me, I can't see ahead of me.
Todd: Are you saying that dwelling on my past is holding me back?
Dirk: No. I literally can't see over there when I'm looking back there.

Coroner: Get down, he's got the shark!

Ken: Hey listen, you wouldn't happen to have any money?
Bart: I have money.
Ken: How much do you have?
Bart: Seventeen thousand dollars.

Riggins: Under no circumstances are you to engage unless I give the word.
Friedkin: Understood. May I suggest cinnamon?
Riggins: What?
Friedkin: As the word you give?

Todd: So, there's your assistant.. friend, whatever, Dirk. I am and always have been a total and complete asshole.

Ken: That's Dirk Gently?
Bart: I don't know. Let's kill him and find out.

Dirk: I mainly attract people in positions of absolute hopelessness so I think you fit into that quite nicely. No offense.

Todd: We got them with the kitten.
Farah: The what?
Todd: The kitten. It had a shark in it.

Ken: You shoot up a mall in the middle of the day and we just happened to get away? I walk you into a crowded hotel with a knife in your leg and we just happen to not get noticed? It's the universe. It's the stream of creation.

Dirk: Did I make some mistakes? Yes. Did I only make mistakes? Yes. But did it all work out? Kind of.

Bart: I messed up. I ruined everything. I left my path and this is my punishment. I've lost. Universe is broken.

Dirk: That homicidal dirt muppet and I have never crossed paths before.

Farah: I killed someone.
Todd: It's okay, we killed some people too.

Estevez: If you're Lydia Spring, bark three times and turn in a circle.

Farah: What is this thing?
Dirk: It's.. bad news calendar machine.

Bart: Get this thing out of my leg!
Ken: I read on the internet that you're not suppose to...
Bart: I don't care what the stupid rectangle tells you to do!

Dirk: Stupid Dirk always running away from death and forgetting machines!

Todd: Is this, you know, a universe thing? Like if I don't do this now the universe goes all weird?
Dirk: The universe is already weird, Todd.

Dirk: This is it. He'll explain everything. He's gonna have the answers.
Gordon: I've been waiting for you two for a long time. [long pause]
What is going on? Who are you guys? Did.. did Patrick Spring hire you? If not, then what are you? Are you detectives? No, because you're a.. you're a bellhop. You were at the hotel! And you! You're who? What, the FBI? No? Then how does the FBI figure into this? Who shot Danny? How did you know that Farah Black was going to be in that apartment? I mean, what kind of crazy coincidence is that? Where's the kitten? Where's my dog? Why did you burn down my house? Who has my dog right now? Is it the police? Do the police have my dog? Who beat up Ed and Zed? Was it your guys? Other guys? How many different sets of guys are in this situation? How does Patrick Spring be in two places at the same time?
Dirk: Nawww... nuts.
Todd: We.. we don't.. ahh.. Sorry. I guess... I like can answer four of those questions total if I'm being honest.

Todd: It seems like a bunch of unconnected, spontaneous and unlikely coincidences, but it's not, right? Everything is actually connected!
Dirk: You're starting to sound exactly like me.

Patrick: How could you be so stupid!?
Todd: Hey man, you just killed yourself! After everything you've done you don't get to tell us how stupid we are!

Dirk: Is that what basically happened?
Patrick: How could you possibly know all that?
Dirk: I got it ALL RIGHT!?

Ed: I want to be a panther. I want you to put me in a panther. I don't like to be a human anymore.

Dirk: The good news is... never mind, there is no good news. Hide.

Todd: Goddammit my brain hurts.

Dirk: Actually you did a rather unnecessarily complicated bit with the map to a map to a map in a maze that was a bit... what's the word? Kill-y?

Todd: I was waiting for some big complex payoff where you explain everything. But now I get that you're just as blind and crazy as everyone else.

Dirk: Look at you running around with a crossbow. You look like an action hero.

Patrick: This isn't my daughter.
Gordon: You catch on quick.

Todd: You lied to me.
Dirk: I didn't lie! I just didn't tell you the whole truth because I didn't understand it.
Todd: You're a liar. And you ruined my life, just to have a friend. You deserve to be alone Dirk.
Dirk: I didn't lie! I think you of all people know what a lie looks like by now.

Dirk #1: Who's that?
Dirk #2: That's your best friend. Hopefully he'll forgive us for this.

Gordon: We only use the kitty cat as a last resort.

Todd: It wasn't a coincidence! That's how you knew to get the kitten!
Dirk: Well, no, I didn't have any context. I just thought that... well, I mean once we got here it was obvious.
Todd: Yeah, maybe to someone reading it in a book, not when you're living it!

Todd: You're so obsessed with one mistake that you made a long time ago, you can't see all the people you've hurt along the way.

Dirk: They obviously don't catch us Todd or they'd remember us in the future from the past which is currently the present so... right?

Dirk: Maybe make the maps less complicated, or murder-y or...
Todd: He's going to do whatever he did before.
Dirk: Right.

Todd: What are you doing?
Dirk: Well, it worked last time.
Todd: No, it didn't.
Dirk: Well, we're not dead!

Estevez: I hate everything about this right now.

Farah: Todd, are you good?
Todd: The answer to that question is kinda long.

Ken: I saw you kill someone by waving at them.

Estevez: How much of this is legal?
Farah: There are a number of loopholes, you know legally regarding what constitutes a militia with revelance to state law and in accordance with...
Estevez: You know what? Never mind. This is the least illegal shit I've done all day.

Amanda: Some things you don't fix, Todd. Sometimes when you fall down, you fall all the way down. You blew it. That's just the way it is.

Estevez: I want answers. TALK!
Dirk: Okay... so, 100 years ago...
Estevez: I need you to shut up with that shit right now!
Dirk: You said you wanted answers.
Estevez: I want reality!

Ken: What doesn't kill you, you know, usually makes you...
Bart: Makes you hurt real bad and makes you cry.

Todd: In 2002 after the Men of the Machine killed his wife, Patrick Spring who was a fake identity created to be the son of Edgar Spring who was actually Zachariah Webb, jumped forward in time to last week, destroyed the Men of the Machine and then went to the Perriman Grand to confront his future self. Which led to the young Patrick Spring accidentally killing old Patrick Spring when a kitten went off and set off a shark explosion.
Farah: Wait. So, that's what happened?
Dirk: Fairly straight-forward I think.

Todd: We can't tell people about the time machine. We'll sound insane.
Dirk: We don't want to sound insane.
Todd: No, we wanna sound like sane guys.
Dirk: So sane we're boring.
Todd: Yeah, two boring sane guys having a normal time.

Lydia: They put me in a dog. I watched him feed me dog food! I've been sleeping on the streets for a week, I was so hungry I ate a rat!

[With an arrow in Dirk's shoulder]
Dirk: Thank you. I feel less walky and more fally right now.
Estevez: Don't mention it. Are you gonna stay with us?
Dirk: What? You mean like the living people.
Estevez: Yeah.
Dirk: Ideally yes but, you know how things are when you've got the cereal ball flower exchange.
Estevez: Say what?
Dirk: Is a lot of wording happening? Should be no talk good cuz blood all gone.

Amanda: I think Dirk Gently came into your life for a reason. I mean, two weeks ago you were a 33 year old hotel bellhop with no money and no friends who spent all of his time lying to me. Now look at you. You're a bad ass partner to a psychic detective... and you're honest.

Dirk: I didn't lie to you any more than you lied to Farah.
Todd: Yes you did.
Dirk: I would describe it as.. strategic no-truthing.

Dirk: Make things switchy...

[After Todd was electrocuted]
Todd: You're the center of the loop. It all revolves around you. This has to go back to your dad so that he can try and manipulate the future and... eventually meet your mom and... sex with her and...
Dirk: ToddTodd... Todd, Todd?
Todd: Everything's spinny.
Dirk: Yep, still..

Lydia: Thank you so much.
Dirk: We did the best we could for you Lydia.
Lydia: These guys threw me off a bridge.

Bart: Okay. Bye Dirk. Let's get out of here these people are nutjobs.

Todd: Are you really gonna leave with those guys?
Amanda: Todd. Come on. They already gave me a jacket.

Ken: You hungry?
Bart: What is it?
Ken: Ethiopian.
Bart: That's not a word.

Dirk: And Todd. I feel like you're no longer an assistant. I'm promoting you to ward.
Todd: Isn't that like a male nanny? I'm not... okay Dirk, you're pissing me off again.

Lydia: Farah, you kicked everyone's ass and saved me. It was so, you.

Farah: I'd like to make an investment in your detective agency.
Todd: Really?
Dirk: What? Ahh... baa ahh baaa ahhh baa ahhh... of course!

Friedkin: I don't know why I shot you. Are you okay? D'uh. No. Sorry.

Lydia: I just gave you $4 million dollars.
Farah: How?
Lydia: By phone... d'uh. Have fun with your new friends. They seem insane.

Bart: They got these shows in between shows that show you things you can buy in a store.
Ken: Commercials?
Bart: Yeah. They're terrific!

Todd: It's a Mexican Funeral t-shirt. I don't have many left so try not to get shot in it.

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