Dirk Gently Quotes: Season 2

Relive the enchanting retorts, remarks and conversations from the second season!

Dirk: You came. You came to rescue me!
Todd: That's right. We're bad asses now. We're big bad asses and we came to rescue you Dirk.
Farah: We used a magic rock given to us by Thor to find you.
Dirk: I knew I could rely on Thor!

Bart: Are you happy now that I'm not killing you?
Suzie: Yes... yes.
Bart: Well, then why aren't you smiling?

Dirk: This isn't how it works. I'm not psychic.
Friedkin: Yes you are.
Dirk: No I'm not.
Friedkin: Yes-you-are.
Dirk: Look, saying it quick doesn't make it true.

Vogel: What you see in your whacky-shit brain this time boss?

Friedkin: How does the dog work?

Amanda: You don't want to come over here dude, it's the Rowdy Three.
Guard: There's only two of you.
Amanda: Oh shut up, math!

Todd: Maybe it's invisible. Maybe we're looking at it right now. Is that stupid? No. Yes. No, no, no! Nothing is stupid!

Farah: Okay, she wasn't turned into a dog. Her soul was put inside a dog, and actually, it was quite stressful for me, so you don't need to do all that.

Farah: I am not an army, Todd. I'm not James Bond.
Todd: Aren't you though? Kinda?

Amanda: It's like poetry. You know like, symbolism and shit.

Todd: I deserve my Pararibulitis. I deserve all of this and worse. I want to find Dirk to help you. I want to find Dirk to help him. I need to find Dirk because... because it's the only way back to Amanda.

Dirk: Hands off. Hands off, I am not a shopping cart!

Todd: We're close. We are so close. We are like, this close!
Farah: You're holding your fingers pretty far apart.

Tina: Okay. So. Yes. Okay I'm high, but I'm not drunk. Okay, I am drunk. But it was just white wine and I slept most of it off.

Bart: I think that sometimes when you're killing people they don't like it. It makes them unhappy, and, and scared and also dead, which they don't like I don't think so.

Dirk: Ha! Solved it!
Tina: Did you solve anything though?
Todd: No.
Farah: Not even kind of.
Dirk: Just let me have this moment.

Silas: We chased him to the edge of the north wood. And uh, I dueled him on a cliff. He stumbled on a rock and.. fell five... five-hundred feet, and landed... on a rock, and his head exploded.

Todd: How do you think it even got up there?
Farah: Tornado maybe?
Todd: It's gotta be something weirder than that. Aliens or something.
Farah: Let's not jump to that.
Todd: What? A time machine was good but aliens is too far?

Hobbs: I have never arrested anyone before so you all should just, you know... be ahh, real cool about it.
Farah drops her gun
Hobbs: Thank you. That was a very cool thing for you to do.

Friedkin: Is it possible he peed himself invisible?

Farah: I shot a man with a sniper rifle, but I'm not a bad person.

Dirk: Everything's fine! This is a picnic!

Tina: Are you Todd Brotzman from the Mexican Funeral?
Todd: Umm... yeah?
Tina: You're like... a god of the Seattle mid-2000 alt scene, dude.
Todd: What like, seriously? You're like a... fan?
Tina: This is the coolest day of my life.

Hobbs: You know I was named after a detective? My name is Sherlock. Guess which one I was named after.

Dirk: I'm actually a holistic detective to be precise, which means...
Hobbs: Holistic? You mean like the interconnectedness of all things?
Dirk: I..... love you?

Ken: I'd be willing to use my uh, expertise in the area to help you find Dirk if... you'd agree to some kind of quid pro quo.
Friedkin: Dude, I don't speak Spanish.

Tina: So basically he ignores whatever you say and does some random shit for no reason?
Todd: Yeah, that kinda sums it up.
Tina: You blew up your life for this?

Dirk: How did you end up here? In Bergsberg.
Farah: We were looking for you.
Dirk: Exactly, and here I am, so there you are. Everything is connected and blah, blah.

Tina: Is he being like... holistic, or just rude, or just like dumb.
Todd: Mixed bag.

Dirk: But first, I have to... are you ready for this? Find the boy.
Todd: What boy?
Dirk: I have no idea.
Farah: Is it a missing persons case?
Dirk: I guess so.
Todd: How old is he?
Dirk: Don't know.
Farah: Where did he go missing? What does he look like? How long has he been gone?
Dirk: All excellent questions, Farah. You are doing great questions right now and I'm hearing all of them.

Dirk: Todd, the cartoon method of escape... is that working out well for you is what I'm asking.

Hobbs: I'm sheriff Sherlock Hobbs and this my deputy, Tina Tevetino.
Tina: Five days sober! Sort of.

Dirk: One minute I was in bed, then Mona said "Find the boy" and then I fell through into a world of wet trunkness.

Dirk: These things aren't always what they seem, Todd. It may not be always easy or smooth, but somehow it all works out in the end. And if it doesn't you're dead.

Hobbs: So we were thinking we'd go poking around with you folks. Maybe do a holistic.
Farah: Poke around?
Todd: Do a holistic?
Dirk: Am I... in heaven?

Dirk: Is it possible he ate some tree seeds, or a baby tree, then developed a stomach ache, went to sleep here, and...
Todd: Nope.

Martin: You think I don't remember you, boy? You and I have an appointment.

Tina: So what about you and Farah? You've been on the road for a while. I wouldn't have put you two together.
Todd: We've gotten close.
Tina: On the run. So hot. Bonnie and Clyde. Oh, is she your Yoko or is that like, Dirk? Like, was that the reason Mexican Funeral broke up?
Todd: No. I was my own Yoko long before these people ever showed up.

Cross: Welcome home!
Gripps: I've come awake in a scary way!
Martin: What a rush!
Cross: You guys were here the whole time!?
Martin: I knew I smelled something.
Gripps: We're hanging from the ceiling!
Cross: Sure got awful lonely down there.
Gripps: I was just asleep.
Martin: That whole time!
Gripps: I'm a tired guy.
Cross: I sure am happy to see you guys!
Gripps: Yeah, this is great! No it isn't!
Cross: Not great!
Friedkin: Send two of them back down and gas them out. I only need to talk to one.
Voice: Which one, sir?
Friedkin: The one that talks normal.
Gripps: Aw shit, that isn't me.
Cross: I talk good!

Farah: Why do you have two flashlights?
Hobbs: They said I couldn't carry two guns and the dang belt has about four extra slots so it's one of those "why not" type of situations.

Tina: [After shooting air gun] Holy shit. That's bananas!

Mr. Priest: I'm a very bad person. I'm a scary monster. I'm no good, Hugo. I'm troubled.

Martin: Now, I don't know if you got a better idea than just keep us locked up in this floor, but taking me out was a bonzo bad idea.

Tina: Haaay, uh, Todd Brotzmaaaan. I'm freaking out. I mean, I'm really losing my shit right now.
Todd: Well, this is only my second case, but it'll probably get a lot weirder than this.
Tina: It can't get any weirder than this.
Dirk: Excuse, but there's a person in this tree.

Dirk: Acknowledge and engage the bizarre and preposterous set of events befalling you or be swept under them and drown!
Todd: That was a little bit harsher than the speech you gave me, Dirk.

Suzie: I am out here on my own, and I get nothing... nothin' but dirt from all of you... even though I have always been the nice one. Always.
Karen: You screwed my boyfriend.
Suzie: That was high school, Karen! I needed friends!

Farah: We can follow the crooked stems through the high grass.
Tina: Your dad teach you this one, too?
Farah: No, this was the Army Rangers.
Tina: Power Rangers? Army Rangers.

Bart: Hey, do you guys know Ken?
Tina: Ken Schmidt? 6-6, red hair?
Bart: There are two Kens?

Todd: Hey Dirk! We've got a dead body in a tree in here and they're letting us poke it.

Amanda: If anyone asks, you can tell them that you're my, uh...
Vogel: Son!
Amanda: You're older than me.
Vogel: Grandson!
Amanda: Boyfriend.

Todd: This is like my ultimate nightmare. I'm telling a cop how to do their job.

Mr. Priest: Things have gotten out of control. I'm switching to lethal.

Bart: Have you ever had somebody attack you for no reason?
Dirk: You tried to kill me!
Bart: Dirk, I did not kill you two times. Right now it makes three times I'm not killing you. I mean, we're practically best friends.

Hobbs: Where'd you get the brass knuckles from?
Todd: You didn't search us.
Hobbs: Right.

Hobbs: Did you say you were killing people?
Bart: Look, I'm trying to be better. You know, I'm trying to take control of my life. So, I'm killing some people and not other people.

Dirk: Just quickly. Who is the dark wizard, who is his apprentice, who are the foes, who is she, what is the dream, who is the man, what is the great weapon, and, perhaps, most importantly... who is the boy?
Panto: Mmm... these things I know not.

Todd: I've seen you fail, but I've also seen you win. You can't let the universe push you around. That's how you end up getting slammed through doghouses. You have to make bigger choices. You want answers? [in British accent] Take control of your life, Dirk.

Tina: You're sad!
Farah: What?
Tina: Is it about you and Todd?
Farah: No, we're just friends.
Tina: You and Dirk? Oh, are they together, cause I was getting that vibe, not strongly, but I could see how someone would...
Farah: No! Todd isn't... or rather Dirk, I don't think... you know, actually, I don't know what Dirk is.
Tina: Hey man, it's cool. I'm bi, no judgement here, just thought maybe that's why you're sad.

Bart: She had yellow hair, and she couldn't walk right, and she made a noise like, "Oh my god! Please don't kill me!"

Dirk: They had some kind of argument, and he got angry and went... inside... the tree. And then she... flew her new car off, up into the... sky...
Todd: What is wrong with you?
Dirk: Nothing. Fine-ness.

Todd: You're being weird.
Dirk: Well, I was just thrown through a doghouse by a zombie, Todd.

Dirk: I had this fantasy that I would escape and just go right back to you and Farah, and we would start the detective agency, and it would be brilliant. We would solve mysteries and help people, and it would all be somehow... I don't know... better. Calmer. But nothing's better. Nothing's calmer. It all just is, and always will be.

Bart: Arrest her and shoot her in the face!

Todd: Ma'am, do you have any idea how fast you were going?
Farah: Oh officer, was I going too fast?
Todd: Yep. I became a cop cause I love guns every bit as much as I hate fu...
Farah: Okay, you're ruining it.

Ken: Did you think you were going to crack us? Enslave a group of magic people, turn them into a team of super soldiers out to strike down the enemies of America?
Friedkin: Sort of.

Panto: I don't understand. How did you get out?
Bart: Locks don't work on me, and I was hungry.
Panto: Can you open mine?
Bart: Sorry, it's locked.

Ken: Hey, you know when I said I wanted out, I meant out of this room, not just out of the cab.

Dirk: Listen, this is just speculation, but I may be in actual Judeo-Christian hell.

Panto: I'm a baron prince from the valley of Inglenook in the kingdom of Wendimoor.
Bart: That's just a bunch of noises.

Dirk: This is very bad. This is classic me bad!

Todd: Talk to him for a second. He thinks he's in hell.
Hobbs: That's a turn of events.

Dirk: What if that monster ate us?
Todd: It didn't.
Dirk: What if diving through that static didn't work, what if that just killed us?
Todd: It did work, it didn't kill us.
Dirk: I couldn't even help you when you were having a Pararibulitis attack.
Todd: Well, I don't think anyone could.
Dirk: All I ever wanted was a friend, to have someone who believed in me.
Todd: And now you have one, more than one.
Dirk: And what if who and what I am is going to get you killed?

Dirk: It looks like the Cardenas house, only it's much bigger, like, impossibly big and also fun and festive, but in awful ways.

Tina: Screw Wendi-whatever, what about real life? Four missing women who were last seen at a super dusty book club.
Hobbs: A tree with a body in it, a car in a tree with a body in it, then you got this impossible gun that somehow shoots air, despite having no moving parts.
Todd: A house inside another house with the murder weapon hidden inside it? Not to mention some kind of purple people eater, 'cause that's what that was.
Dirk: What? Why are you all looking at me? Keep going round in a circle. Farah, your turn.

Dirk: There's a table that's been stabbed by a pair of scissors, and it's bleeding everywhere, and I mean all that in a horribly literal way.

Amanda: Hey, Dungeons and Dragons, we didn't do anything to you!

Panto: I managed to get away, and with Wakti's help, came to this world to search for the great man... Dirk Gently.
Bart: Yeah, I was doing that for a while too. Didn't turn out great for me.

Dirk: Todd, whatever that sound is, it's getting closer.
Todd: What if it's the boy we're looking for?
Dirk: Eeehhmm....

Tina: Maybe she's at work.
Farah: Or missing.
Tina: Or a pile of dust. We could break in. Illegal without a warrant, I know. Wait, are you down for that?
Farah: Technically, I'm already a criminal, so... Yep, just give me a hairpin and I'll pick this lock no problem.

Todd: Ask him if he can climb back up!
Hobbs: Todd wants to know if you can climb back up.
Dirk: No! I fell down the slide into a room and when I looked up, the slide was gone.
Hobbs: Okay, that a hard no on the slide!

Dirk: For the record, this is not the best case ever anymore.

Dirk: At this point in most of my cases, there's this tremendous amount of weird things all swirling around, and then, well, people start dying. Lots of lovely people very dead, as I continue to blunder aimlessly about saying... as Todd would have it, stupid flighty bullshit.
Todd: I would say that.

Watki Wapnasi: Left unwatered, a plant will die. Left unloved, a good child could go bad. Left untended, a dream could become a nightmare.

Todd: Did you just change?
Dirk: No, Todd, it's still me. Though my clothes are different.

Dirk: This music sounds like robots being tortured by monkeys!

Panto: Where are you from, Bart? What was life like for you before?
Bart: I uh, I used to be a lot shorter.
Panto: When you were a child?
Bart: Oohh....

Farah: I just wanted to work in law enforcement my entire live, and there it is.

Vogel: Hey, boss. Who's Wakti Wapnasi?
Amanda: I don't know. Okay? I don't know anything that's going on, all right? I don't know where we are, I don't know why this is happening, I don't know how I did the thing with the lightning. You know, my life was really weird before, but this is just next level, so please do not ask me any more questions, because I don't have any answers!

Dirk: There are teens sweating on me. Real Teens!

Martin: Not gonna lie to you boys. This sucks.

Farah: This is where I'm supposed to be! I mean, I'm one of the freaks!

Hobbs: You know, finding Scott there will be like finding a needle in a haystack.
Farah: Oh, we just have to get Dirk there. He collects needles in haystacks.

Dirk: Is everyone I attempt to help going to try to kill me, Todd?

Dirk: Yes. Very Farah. Logic. Deduction. Tracking down a subject, not just "Duh! Pip cheerio fabric of the universe everything connecto, duh!"
Todd: Are you doing a sarcastic impression of yourself?

Tina: I want to f*ck everybody here!

Todd: He's not dead. They said he had a minor heart attack.
Dirk: He's very muchly more dead than he was when he woke up this morning. He's like five out of eight dead-ish.

Farah: Can I tell you a secret? I've never been to a concert before.
Todd: That's a secret?
Farah: Shut up.

Dirk: Listen, from here on in, I want to do things by the book.
Todd: What book?
Dirk: The boring book of mundane deduction you and I are coauthoring about being normal detectives, Todd.

Todd: We're going to find the boy and find Amanda, and we're going to be best friends forever!
Dirk: Todd, you saying this to me is the single most important thing that's ever happened to me in my entire life. You are the first person I've ever met who actually wanted me around!
Todd: I didn't at first, but I caught on. I evolved!

Dirk: I don't want this situation to get abruptly monstery or scissory or any other things situations have been getting lately.

Martin: I've seen a lot of wild style bamboo, but those furry monsters.. it's new to me. You have truly upped my limit.

Mage: Even my first little plan, just basic cruelty, really take weapons from your world, give them to people in mine, and sit back and watch the violence. Classic sort of fun. But I was thinking small, wasn't I? There's a whole world out there.

Bart: Are you back to being scared of me?
Dirk: Mmm.
Bart: Why?
Dirk: You tried to kill me.
Bart: This again?
Dirk: Yeah, sorry. This forever.

Tina: You're saying Suzie Boreton is what? Some kind of witch?
Todd: Yeah, like a crappy junior witch, right?

Suzie: I was just trying to do something for myself, just kill one person, and now I have mud in my hair!

Ken: Well, your first error was letting Priest use his own guys.
Friedkin: Right. I-I see that.
Ken: And your second error...
Friedkin: Can we not list my errors?
Ken: There are a lot.
Friedkin: I know!
Ken: There are like, a lot of errors.
Friedkin: I know!
Ken:There are errors, and then, nothing else. Only errors.

Vogel: Hey, Drummer, one of the martians is touching me again!
Amanda: Vogel, we've been through this! This is not Mars!
Cross: But it might be Canada.

Todd: Why have we not been talking to this guy sooner? I am pro-this guy now. I am team Poncho!
Panto: "Panto."

Friedkin: I thougut you were my assistant.
Assistent: No, sir. I'm Lieutenant Assistent.
Friedkin: You mean like, your last name is Assis-tent? Like with an E or something?
Assistent: Yes.
Friedkin: Gah, why is everything so stupid!

Mr. Priest: I have an unknown female approaching the premises looking, sort of... nuts.

Todd: So. Good first concert?
Farah: I feel renewed. And Incredibly dirty.
Todd: Yeah, sounds about right.

Dirk: Arnold is the only one who knows what actually happened in that house all those years ago that caused all this. He is male, he at one point was a child, and he damn near shat himself when he saw Panto. Good enough for me. Clap-clap! He is the boy! He has to be the boy! He's a boy who went into a magical painting or opened a door to another universe where I guess the Purple People Eater lived or some stupid thing and, yes, that makes no sense and I don't know how to connect it to Mona or anything else, but who cares? Me? No! Cause guess what? Snap-snap. I'm calling it! Case over! We get him, he shows us to Wendimoor, prophecy fulfilled! Mona is involved in some way I'm sure, and mystery solved! Solved all over the place. Done! Done! I'll find the boy, six times in a row if I have to! Done, Did it! I'll point at him. "DID IT!" That's my new thing. "DID IT!"

Amanda: I am a freakin' witchakookoo!

Mr Priest: Goddamn it baby. I miss Blackwing.

Wakti Wapnasi: I thought you were punk.
Amanda: I am punk. Screw you!

Litzibitz: You are being a bobo fool!

Bigby: He's a Dengdamor. Even if he is smooching your brother, you can't trust him.

Todd: I am sick of pep-talking you into your own bullshit. For once in my life, I don't quit. I'll solve this one on my own.

Amanda: I know you don't like what's going on with your family, but you can't just run away forever. It's easy to just hide out and hope that your problems will go away. I for sure get that impulse. But then that gives your problems all the power.

The Beast: Yoo mah boyfre na. We gon liv togazar uppa foritz. Ima wats yoo get ol' an' bootaful.
Dirk: Sorry, this, this, this is a lot for the first date and I...
The Beast: Ware yoo go-ey, ya stupid baboon? Uh Oomah boyfre na, isnin'?
Dirk: Ah, yes, that sounded very much like you just used the word boyfriend.
The Beast: We frens inta wood now, talkta beastie, no scares.
Dirk: Listen, I'm having one of those emotions where... how to put this? I'm actively regretting every decision that brought me to this moment of life.

Dirk: So... so this is a hamburger... that grew on a, a vine.
The Beast: Borgabush!

Dirk: It was a portal, Todd. We could be anywhere. This could be Miami for all you know.
Todd: There's a giant magical moon in the sky. Do you see the giant magical moon?

Litzibitz: Where's Panto?
Todd: He's safe!
Amanda: Wait, how do you know Panto?
Todd: He's in Bergsberg!
Amanda: You were in Bergsberg!
Todd: He found Dirk. Wait, you were in Bergsberg?
Litzibitz: Hold on! Dirk Gently? The man from the prophecy? He exists?
Todd: He definitely does!
Silas: And this man, Toad, says he can take us to him.

Todd: I can explain everything.
Silas: Then explain why we found you in a Kellum knight camp.
Todd: I can't explain, that. But, but I can explain... shit, what can I explain?

Silas: I love Panto, and our only desire is to unite our families and end all this crumminess!

Amanda: They need us to help.
Todd: They don't seem very helpable, by us, okay? I need you Amanda. I came here to get you.
Amanda: No, you came here for you. Out of guilt.
Todd: I sacrificed everything to be here. I came here to try and fix things between us. Can't you see how dangerous this is?
Amanda: Do you think I'm four years old? Do you think I am somehow under the impression that this place is safe?

Todd: No, no, no, don't like The Mage, don't like him or his guys, that much I am totally clear on. Big anti-Mage guy here. Uh, I'm not a, a square boy? I'm a, I'm a house boy! I'm, I'm not a house boy, I, I came through the house. The bed in the house is where I came through, in Mon...tana? We're all... we're all... it's, it's all chill man!
Wygar: I see. It makes sense now. He be madman.

Amanda: Slow down Comic Con, I'm just trying to help.

Todd: Friendship isn't just about someone being there for you. It's about you being there for them too.

The Beast: Puh fo' her, and toh der toh fo six haer now. Tooki boty, wow! Yes?
Dirk: Of course, darling. That sounds wonderful.
The Beast: Ah, boyfre te Bibbit.
Dirk: Yes, that's me now. I'm Bibbit. This is my life.

Amanda: I am not going to leave everyone to die because I'm worried about myself. That can be your thing. It's not mine. It's good to see you, Todd. Go away.

Dirk: You and I will have... puppies, or whatever you have, and I'll just... live in the wood like a uniquely elegant, macho lumber man. I suppose there's worst things.

Todd: Oh my God, dude, we are in another dimension!

Todd: How did you get here?!
Amanda: Where's Dirk?!
Todd: Seriously?! Seriously? "Where's Dirk?!"
Amanda: There's no way you came to fairyland without him, so...
Todd: How are you here?!
Amanda: How are you here?!
Todd: I fell through a bed!
Amanda: I went through a bathtub.
Todd: A what?!
Amanda: A bathtub. Wait, did you just say "bed"?!
Todd: A literal bathtub?!
Amanda: Where is Dirk?!
Todd: He's here somewhere. Who are those people?
Amanda: You lost Dirk?!
Wygar: Silence, both of you!

Suzie: This book, it says that you are the only other magical person in this world, so I'm afraid that I'm going to have to evict you and the rest of the treasure trolls from toilet village!
Wakti: I know you must feel very powerful right now but you will feel small again.

Dirk: Mona Wilder sent me to Bergsberg, straight to the Cardenas family - rest in trees..

Farah: Where is The Mage?
Bob: huh.
Farah: Where, is, The Mage!
Bob: huh.
Tina: You keep getting louder and louder, and it ain't changing his answer.

Ken: You have to read the files, man.
Friedkin: Stop telling me to read!

Todd: After I heard you scream on the phone, everything I've done, everything, has been to try to rescue you.

Dirk: You can get us into Blackwing?
Amanda: I mean, I literally learned how to do that yesterday.

Ken: She's most comfortable as inanimate objects. When they first brought her in, she'd been a chair for six years.

Amanda: You know you hurt me right? You were my hero. How do I get my brother back? 'Cause I want him back. But I look at you, and, like do I even know this person?
Todd: I'm sorry. I'm trying.
Amanda: Well, we're going to die in about an hour, so... try harder.

Martin: This nerdy bullshit sound exactly like the kind of nerdy bullshit I'd expect you to be involved in.

Amanda: I'm too good at controlling my attacks. Hit me. Maybe we could trigger one and I can use it to get us out of here.
Todd: Okay, look, I'm not going to hit you in the... [Amanda slaps Todd] Ow! Stop it!
Amanda: No! [Amanda slaps Todd]
Todd: Ahh! That's really starting to hurt now!
Amanda and Todd slap each other
Todd: Oh! Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Amanda: Nothing. [Amanda slaps Todd again]
Todd: Ah! Jesus!

Silas: I have to be brave.
Dirk: No. It is I who am the have to be being the brave one.

Dirk: Her cardio has got to be legendary.

Cross: I don't understanding anything that's happening here... and I love it.
Beast: I love Bibbit.

Amanda: Todd, your normal life is over.

Mr. Priest: What we have here in the house is a pocket dimension. A geometrically impossible duplicate of the house that is accessed through a portal in the upstairs bedroom.
Freidkin: Right, a pocket dimension, um, and that is a small... di-men-sion.
Mr. Priest: Can I talk to Ken?

Amanda: We're still not okay. And now we've been captured by cartoon people in an alternate dimension.

Dirk: I've been informed you're Panto's boyfriend, and as I always say, any boyfriend of Panto's is someone I might meet in another dimension.

Amanda: Why is your hair black?
Todd: Oh, uh, it's, like, a disguise. A crappy disguise. Farah and I were on the run for months.
Amanda: Did anything happen between you guys?
Todd: Yeah, actually.
Amanda: What? How? She is so out of your league.
Todd: Um, hey, you're the one who drove off in a van with a bunch of drunk magic homeless dudes.

Tina: I need you to remember that drunk and disorderly where I looked the other way. I just caught Scott with weed, I didn't even so much as write him a ticket. I just took the drugs 'cause I'm a good friend.

Dirk: Top o' the mornin' to you, guvna. I be being a normal man of this place ere. Ahoy, y'all!

Frija: You keep saying "your world" as though we're supposed to believe it.
Todd: You think you're the only ones having a hard time believing this is happening? I did not sign up for some kind of murdery, acid trip, ren-faire nightmare.

Dirk: I have become a violent... young or youngish, man and my face feels very hot, and my hand might actually be broken, and, so. Don't hit me?

Bart: Hey, I don't even kill anybody anymore.
Ken: You just dropped a chainsaw.
Bart: Oh no, I, I just like it.

Amanda: Wait, Todd! You can help me.
Todd: What? No. I can't do that. I'm not like you.
Amanda: No, you're not.

Suzie: They've got no magic, no pool, they'll never get to the boy. They're just little flies buzzing around my head.

Farah: I am not losing two fights in one year.

Todd: You seriously want to go back to Blackwing by yourself?
Dirk: "Want" Ha! May be a strong word, Todd.
Suzie: Where are you going Dirk Gently?
Dirk: "Want" truly is a strong word, and yet no other more perspicuous appellations are currently traveling to my mind with any degree of alacrity to allow me to concisely articulate...
Todd: Dirk, stop with the words. Don't spin out.

Bart: We just wanna go to Wendimoor for the big happy ending.
Priest: Okay. Sure, who's your buddy?
Panto: Verily, I am a normal man, from this world much like yourself.

Mage: Now this is the kind of game I really enjoy! I was never meant to be a conqueror, taking over the world. I much prefer to hurt people in person, not send an army in to burn down a village. Where's the fun in that? It so... impersonal. But this... is funtastic!

Dirk: If you can get me and the Rowdy 3 in, we'll be like a super action boy strike team.

Bart: Blackwing is terrible. I mean, it's the most boring place I've ever been to in my whole life.

Todd: There's an army coming.
Vogel: Yeah, that actually was kinda a lot of guys.
Cross: Shitloads bigtime.
Gripps: There's 11,000 dudes. I counted real quick.

Mona: I'm just an actress. I'm a holistic actress. I can play any role.
Ken: Why were you the toy?
Mona: I can be anything. A boat, or a house, or a shovel, or a cloud, or an old Pakistani man, or the Queen of England, or a kangaroo, but I don't know what I am supposed to be.

Todd: So. I'm goanna have an attack?
Amanda: Yeah.
Todd: Probably a bad, slow one?
Amanda: Yup.
Todd: Perfect. I'm in.

Gripps: There's a lot of weird in here!

Bart: You're Silas, right? I heard about you, your mom's an asshole.

Ken: Hugo, you gave me the same clearance as you. We are equals within this program. You can't take that away from me now.
Freidkin: I didn't mean to do that.

Mage: No one in Wedimoor can defeat me!
Farah: You're not in Wendimoor!

Amanda: I could maybe get you there, DIrk, like, one way? But then you'd be stuck and I don't know if I could get you back.
Dirk: That seems not great.

Gripps: No one makes me scared of laughter!

Bart: On the list of things I'm not doing today, Priest, going back to Blackwing is near the top.

Amanda: The energy is yours, the fear is yours, the barbed wire is yours, so control them. Separate yourself from the physical space. You own this. You control this.

Ken: No! I'm Ken!
Freidkin: I need to shoot you to be sure.
Ken: Why would that help?
Freidkin: I don't know. It's a thought I had, so I have to do it!

Mona: You were scaring me. Just like those men are scaring me now.
Freidkin: Well, they need to be here right now, in case you, like... turn into a bear or something.
Mona: Why would I turn into a silly little bear? If I wanted to kill you, I'd just turn into an aircraft carrier right now, and this entire place would be destroyed.
Freidkin: Please don't do that.

Todd: Who could possibly stop a super powerful dark wizard?
Dirk: Farah.
Amanda: Farah.
Todd: Farah. I knew it before you said it.

Bart: Ken? I thinkI should tell you... the universe is sort of making me feel like I should kill you now.

Todd: What is this place?
Amanda: I guess it's what's behind everything? It's like the backstage of reality. I've seen this in my visions before... but I've never been here.
Todd: Wow.
Amanda: Yeah.
Todd and Amanda: [together] Drugs.

The Boy Francis: You have to create your own world. Your own... family. But I suppose you already know that. Don't you Dirk?

Dirk: Going where I'm going without knowing how I'm knowing is sorta my whole thing, and there were kind of a lot of people killing each other that way, so let us in here!

Hobbs: Who shot us?
Farah: You! You shot both of us. Tina, you also shot me once. I shot you once and you twice.
Hobbs: Why were we all shooting each other?
Tina: The Mage made us do it.
Hobbs: Why didn't anybody shoot the frickin' Mage?

Todd: Enough of this! Who are you? Like, seriously, what is your problem? Why are you here? You're, like, some mom from Montana? I don't understand why you're involved, literally, at all. No one does! You're just like this psycho crazy person who's screwing up everything for everyone! You have killed so many people. Do you have any conception of what is going on, or what you're even doing?

Martin: This goofy bad news voodoo mama ain't got nothin' on us.

Mona: Can you turn into a bug?
Dirk: Only emotionally.

Bart: I thought I was a leaf in the stream of creation. But I'm not. I'm on a wire. I'm a puppet. I'm not even a person. I'm just a weapon.
The Boy Francis: In time... I hope you'll find that that's not true.

Tina: Hobbs, do you know how much crazy crap I had to do without you? There were witches and zombies and wizards and shit. It was one of the top 11 craziest experiences of my life.

The Boy Francis: Are you a bad guy or a good guy?
Suzie: Good guy?
Todd, Dirk, Amanda: [together] No! The bad guy! So bad! - The main bad guy! - Bad guy! She's the worst! She tried to...

Freidkin: Everybody thinks that I'm an idoit! Even I maybe, think, that I might be an idiot!

Todd: Wow, so... the rainbow monster, she looked... uuhh...
Dirk: Not really my thing, Todd.

Tina: Hobbs, you got turned into a zombie.
Hobbs: Yeah, I know. I'm still hung over.

Mona: What's more important Mr. Freidkin? Being in charge, or doing the right thing?
Freidkin: Is this a trick question?

Farah: I'm so sorry about all of this.
Todd: Are you apologizing to me for me saving your life? That is so you.

Dirk: Do you know... what I am? Do you know... why I am?
The Boy Francis: I know a little. We're supposed to help fix things. That's what all of us are. Tools... to fix the broken universe. There's problems in reality. You're supposed to repair them. Each of us has a different purpose. You, help people be where they should be.

The Beast: A lil gits I fown fohoo beauty boy.
DIrk: Oh, um... nice.
The Beast: Ahluvya foheeva Bibbit.

Mona: Oh, I understand now. You're the bad one.
Freidkin: No I'm not!
Dirk: That'd be a much more compelling position if you weren't pointing a gun to my head.

Dirk: Listen, Mr... Assistent? God, I hate Blackwing!

Suzie: I have this now. This has given me a second chance. It's helped by fix everything that's broken. I'm taking control of my life.
Todd: Taking control of your life is about changing you, not everything else! It isn't some instant magic want that you can just wave around and make everything the way you want it.

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